Eating snapeas.. one of the best inventions ever. Just got done listening to "Speaking of Faith with Krista Tippett. (for those here in Portland: NPR @ 7:00 p.m. Sundays) I love that show. I always feel more alive, more connected to humanity after listening. Maybe like a church service is for some. Tonight she interviewed a Unitarian Universalist, Kate Braestrup, author of "Here If You Need Me". She is a chaplain to the Maine Warden Service.. random but actually pretty neat work. She spoke of the paradox of life and death and the miracle of love in very practical matters. I found her view of "God" to be probably the closest to my own that I have heard put in words. If interested check it out:
http://www.speakingoffaith.publicradio.org/
Today Ben and I moved stuff around so that the new bedside tables my grandpa made for us would replace the filing cabinets in our room! They look sooo much better. Thank you Gramps! We then put the filing cabinets in the closet where Ben's desk had been (I know, crazy right?) and moved desk to livingroom, more accessable to both of us for writing. Ah.. I like it. No more laptop on the floor. And the best part is it replaced the TV, yay! I will miss The Office re-runs, Charlie Rose, House re-runs, Myth Busters (for Ben's sake mostly), OPB .. ok and a few more too but it is refreshing to have the TV put away where the cable doesn't reach. And I know it's bad feng shui to have a TV in the bedroom but it is tucked away in a corner and tonight we all laid on the bed together and watched Thomas Christmas DVD and laughed and tickled and played before putting the girlies to sleep.. so it can't be all bad, right? As long as some more play goes on after kiddos are in bed and as long as that play involves me getting a back massage... its all good.
Ben and I also made a "discipline plan" which I'll try to write more about later. Then we turned on Christmas music and turned the girls loose on the Christmas decorations as Ben put up lights.. ah, I'm getting that warm holiday feeling..
I'm also getting sleepy. More to write, will have to wait for another day. Real quick update though, I am feeling SOOOO much better these days. Wow, so much better. Also feeling very greatful for all the thoughts and prayers throughou the past few months. Thank you Friends, Family, Friends of Friends and Family. The miracle of Love... It has the power to heal.
To do tomorrow:
* Write and send 4 more thankyous (having many to thank for much is a good problem!)
* Bake bread or make pretzels with girlies
* Get up early enough to have at least 20 minutes "me time", ie. tea, bath, meditation, yoga, or whatever before girls wake
* Take a load of things to Goodwill (we've been simplifying again, our bedroom/bathroom hall is FULL of STUFF we need to pass on.)
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
I and Love and You...
I'm in love with the Avett Brothers right now! "Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in.. ..three words that became hard to say, I and love, and you." Ben just bought their CD at Starbucks of all places! I'm a sucker for accoustic bands with drummer who sing. You have to check them out..
www.youtube.com/watch?v+Jj8HDe5M-Jo
Ben and I have had some good quality time together as the girls have been at my sister's for the week (thank you Nina and Matthew!!!). We are reminded we need to schedule time for just us each week. We are best friends and we like eachother too much to just live together without making quality time and attention for one another a top priority. The craziness of life can really cloud and scramble one's priorities.
Well this is gonna be a good week:
Jaymie took me to get my hair cute on Friday, It's always refreshing to start the week out with a new haircut. (thank you J! You are always there in just the way I need!)
I have been narcotic-free for nearly two weeks now. I am still having a lot of pain especially when I do anything with my left arm, like dishes, laundry, washing my hair, anything.. but it is somewhat manageable with Tylonal and Ibuprofin and regular back/neck massages! (thank you Ben!!!)
The girls come home today after being at my sister's for nearly two weeks! I needed this time to recover but I really miss them and am hopeful that we will enjoy our next phase of life day by day as i am "forced" to be home with them instead of working, a blessing in disguise, I'm sure.
My long lost friend, Emily, is in town and is making us dinner on Tuesday! I get to meet her new baby too!
Ben has Wednesday off!
Mila turns two years old on Thursday!
My Favorite Roommate, Megan, who I apparently haven't seen in nearly 4 years is coming to visit on Friday! I'm soooo excited.
Then on Saturday Nina and Julia (my sister-in-law, Kyle's wife) have planned a Dr. Suess B-day party for Mila!
Well, the girls are coming back any minute so I should be done here for now.
www.youtube.com/watch?v+Jj8HDe5M-Jo
Ben and I have had some good quality time together as the girls have been at my sister's for the week (thank you Nina and Matthew!!!). We are reminded we need to schedule time for just us each week. We are best friends and we like eachother too much to just live together without making quality time and attention for one another a top priority. The craziness of life can really cloud and scramble one's priorities.
Well this is gonna be a good week:
Jaymie took me to get my hair cute on Friday, It's always refreshing to start the week out with a new haircut. (thank you J! You are always there in just the way I need!)
I have been narcotic-free for nearly two weeks now. I am still having a lot of pain especially when I do anything with my left arm, like dishes, laundry, washing my hair, anything.. but it is somewhat manageable with Tylonal and Ibuprofin and regular back/neck massages! (thank you Ben!!!)
The girls come home today after being at my sister's for nearly two weeks! I needed this time to recover but I really miss them and am hopeful that we will enjoy our next phase of life day by day as i am "forced" to be home with them instead of working, a blessing in disguise, I'm sure.
My long lost friend, Emily, is in town and is making us dinner on Tuesday! I get to meet her new baby too!
Ben has Wednesday off!
Mila turns two years old on Thursday!
My Favorite Roommate, Megan, who I apparently haven't seen in nearly 4 years is coming to visit on Friday! I'm soooo excited.
Then on Saturday Nina and Julia (my sister-in-law, Kyle's wife) have planned a Dr. Suess B-day party for Mila!
Well, the girls are coming back any minute so I should be done here for now.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Utube sternotomy cracks the spell..
Yesterday Ben and I watched a sternotomy on utube. Yes, this is the major surgical procedure I had done two months ago to remove the baseball sized thymoma in my chest. Hey, I'm curious! I've always enjoyed science, I loved disecting frogs in middle school and when those mad-science people did presentations at assemblies I was the first to get in line to touch the organs (did they really let 5th graders touch a cadaver's brain?? I guess it must have been fake, come to think of it.)
At the time it didn't seem like a big deal to me to watch the sternotomy. The fact that Ben was watching it, and had even initiated it, now that was the real shock. The poor guy has been desensitized since the good ol' days in college when he sat in pre-natal development class slumped in his chair with his hoodie pulled up over in head, looking like he might faint. Two children and a couple surgeries later and he's immune it would seem!
So the video was pretty interesting. I won't go into too much detail but I really had not considered beyond "cracking open the chest" what all a sternotomy entails - and mine included the bonus of a couple ribs being accidentally severed and a lower neck disection to remove thyroid cancer on the trachea! It's all pretty intesnse and really incredible to think a body can recover from such a procedure.
So today I feel reflective. I have a newfound and profound respect for my body and what it is capable of going through. Following a wonderful but stressful year of business start-up and care-providing, the loss of that business and our home, among other personal and relational losses, being literally in the middle of moving into a new apartment, I was very fatigued. And then I got the phone call that a routine scan came back with scary results requiring urgent attention. And then this intense surgery, in which the very core of the body is basically torn apart, assaulted and abused, then wired and glued shut as if to prevent the telling of it's awful story..
And then at some point during the past couple weeks when I was at a very low point in the healing process I contracted a virus and was sent to the ER for testing, where I all but begged to be admitted to the hospital, convinced I would die if they sent me home. I honestly thought I was dying. No, really. I started planning and arranging in my head how to practically deal with leaving my family and this known world. This is the most sobering things I have ever experienced. I'm not sure how to talk about it yet.
But today marks three consecutive days of feeling like I am gonna be ok and I'm starting to believe it! Especially after watching the utube video last night. Wow. It amazes me that we (people, individuals, humanity in general) keep going in the face of adversity. I know I am not the first or the only one to go through major life struggles, consider that I might not make it through, and then see the light at the end of the tunnel only to attempt to leave it all behind like a bad dream. And I guess that's the natural coping mechanism at work but I think there is also much value in remembering, at least to some extent, the trauma of the hell one has walked through - even if only to remind myself that I am strong and there is something or someone, a power, a love so great in and beyond myself which exists with or without my existence or belief, but is made more beautiful through both my being and my believing. My life is borrowed, it is a peice of the Whole. I hold it only breifly. To present it authentically, lovingly, graciously back to the Whole through life and in death. That is what I see as the ultimate existence.
Some great examples: My brother Caleb, Mother Theresa, Henri Nouwen, Brother Lawrence, and my current "teacher", Thich Nhat Hanh.
At the time it didn't seem like a big deal to me to watch the sternotomy. The fact that Ben was watching it, and had even initiated it, now that was the real shock. The poor guy has been desensitized since the good ol' days in college when he sat in pre-natal development class slumped in his chair with his hoodie pulled up over in head, looking like he might faint. Two children and a couple surgeries later and he's immune it would seem!
So the video was pretty interesting. I won't go into too much detail but I really had not considered beyond "cracking open the chest" what all a sternotomy entails - and mine included the bonus of a couple ribs being accidentally severed and a lower neck disection to remove thyroid cancer on the trachea! It's all pretty intesnse and really incredible to think a body can recover from such a procedure.
So today I feel reflective. I have a newfound and profound respect for my body and what it is capable of going through. Following a wonderful but stressful year of business start-up and care-providing, the loss of that business and our home, among other personal and relational losses, being literally in the middle of moving into a new apartment, I was very fatigued. And then I got the phone call that a routine scan came back with scary results requiring urgent attention. And then this intense surgery, in which the very core of the body is basically torn apart, assaulted and abused, then wired and glued shut as if to prevent the telling of it's awful story..
And then at some point during the past couple weeks when I was at a very low point in the healing process I contracted a virus and was sent to the ER for testing, where I all but begged to be admitted to the hospital, convinced I would die if they sent me home. I honestly thought I was dying. No, really. I started planning and arranging in my head how to practically deal with leaving my family and this known world. This is the most sobering things I have ever experienced. I'm not sure how to talk about it yet.
But today marks three consecutive days of feeling like I am gonna be ok and I'm starting to believe it! Especially after watching the utube video last night. Wow. It amazes me that we (people, individuals, humanity in general) keep going in the face of adversity. I know I am not the first or the only one to go through major life struggles, consider that I might not make it through, and then see the light at the end of the tunnel only to attempt to leave it all behind like a bad dream. And I guess that's the natural coping mechanism at work but I think there is also much value in remembering, at least to some extent, the trauma of the hell one has walked through - even if only to remind myself that I am strong and there is something or someone, a power, a love so great in and beyond myself which exists with or without my existence or belief, but is made more beautiful through both my being and my believing. My life is borrowed, it is a peice of the Whole. I hold it only breifly. To present it authentically, lovingly, graciously back to the Whole through life and in death. That is what I see as the ultimate existence.
Some great examples: My brother Caleb, Mother Theresa, Henri Nouwen, Brother Lawrence, and my current "teacher", Thich Nhat Hanh.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Coming Off the High, looking through portals..
(beginning 10/21/09) I don't feel much like writing but in honor of authenticity I think it's only fair I write at least something today, when I feel like shit.
Yesterday I got so frustrated with being dependent on pain-maskers I decided to quit for a day or so to get a baseline for pain again. I was tired of feeling drugged and adicted w no energy. so it's now been 21 hours since I last took anything. Danielle took the girls out to OMSI all day so i could rest. Ironically since stopping meds which "may cause drowsiness" I've been able to sleep more easily. In fact I've slept most of today! I get up for a snack then sit down thinking "I hurt, I just want to sit for a minute then I'll get up and do something" and the next thing I know I wake up an hour later! I've been dreaming all day too, which I really haven't done in a while. I heard that has some connection to R.E.M. sleep and that the presense of dreams can indicate a complete sleep cycle. Well anyway I know that the body does its best healing during sleep so I guess its a good thing I've been falling asleep all day. I've also been crying and, I guess, greiving. My greif counselor would say that's a good thing.. I'm sure it is but it feels terrible! I hurt physically and emotionally. I'm scared to even begin to think about anything beyond today, the future seems so bleak and uncertain. I read "Anne of Green Gables" because I never had (I'd only watched the movie) and another blogger just read it because she never had and she loved it so I thought, whynot? It made me cry, it made me remember life before "growing up". So many religions and traditions celebrate the innocence and wonder of childhood and yet we spend so much of ourselves trying to grow past it and to help others do the same.. why? Is it because we are jaded and misery loves company or do we actually think growing up is what life is all about? Either way it is sad. I truly believe children, whether "good" or "naughty" are closer to heaven - until we pull them down and make them "grow up".
What in your life is pulling you down? Cancer, doctors who don't seem to take my life more seriously than lunch menu options, being unable to hold and care for my little girls, extended family drama, bills that keep piling even though we live extremely frugal and below the poverty level, pain, these things are trying to keep me from being close to heaven.
But I can't possibly end on that note. There are too many portals to heaven through which one might look if only she'll let herself look through her childlike eyes.
So today I felt like shit and yet the sun is shining through the clouds, the trees are dripping colors onto the sidewalk below, a long lost friendship was recently renewed, another friend brought me pumpkin bread (Mmm!), Eden is dressed as a superhero and Mila says "watch my arabesque" with two hands and one foot on the ground, the other foot in the air. The world still holds beauty, comedy, all is not bleak. (finishing 10/22/09)
"She knew that a narrow but happy path lay before her, with hard work, friendship, and dreams. And there was always the bend in the road. 'God's in His heaven, all's right with the world' Anne whispered softly." (p. 174 Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery)
I hope to feel this way again someday. Until then, I'll keep looking through portals.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Healing Gifts...
Ok, this is a longy but a goody. "Thanks" are well overdue. These past two months have been, by far, the most challenging of my life as I have been stretched emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually far beyond myself. And yet somehow I have sailed, even coasted at times, through the challenges with relative peace. In part this is due to heavy doses of pain-killers, true, hehe. But I can not deny the influence and power of healing gifts, which were bestowed on me in various and countless ways.
Healing Gifts I've Received During Recovery:
- visits, phone calls; while in the hospital and since
- cards (oh my gosh, Megan, have you ever seen a funnier/cuter card?! I'm still cracking up)
- flowers (thank you Karen for my weekly supply! I LOVE flowers)
- care for the girls while Ben is at work (thank you Nina, Kendra, Lisa, Angie, Danielle!)
- company/care for me while Ben is at work (thank you Grandma, Nina, Jaymie, Danielle)
- overnight care for the girls once a week (thank you Nina and Matthew!)
- meals delivered - too many to name!
- dinner with company (we love it when you stay to play, Nate and Jodie and Baby Tessa!)
- prayer shawl sennt by my grandfather, given by his friend, the nun
- groceries delivered
- sheets changed (it really is the little things)
- gifts cards to cafes wihin walking distance (motivation to get up and moving!)
- unicorn-get-well-slideshow (thank you Great-Uncle Butch this was a favorite!)
- prayers
- cable/internet service provided (thank you Mom and Dad!)
- breif visits simply to open or close my windows and curtains! (big little things!)
- monetary gifts from friends and family (cash never hurts, 'specially with me out of work and medical bills piling!)
- monetary gifts from people I have never even met!
- house cleaned
- laundry done (thank you Jaymie for putting up with all our crap!)
- rides to dr. appointments
- transportation of the kids to and from caregivers
- living room re-arranged and painted (thank you Alex!! I needed this to lift my spirits)
I know we would not be getting through all this so well if not for these gifts and the love of those who gave them. And yet there are a few people I must single out - those whose support has given me the inspiration to not only keep-on-keepin-on but to live this life to the fullest.
Thank you, Nina, for your constant support in whatever things I have asked and even things I didn't know I needed. Your care-calendar and ever-awareness of our needs has been wonderful! I am so lucky you are my sister and am extremely glad the girls have you to be there for them during this crazy time.
Thank you, Mom and Dad, for being here for my surgery, and since then for your financial help and emotional support - I know you would be here if you could and appreciate all the creative ways you have made your presense and support available. I am blessed.
Thank you, Grandma, for coming to be with me, I truly enjoy your company and our special connection. I'm glad we have had this time together and look forward to many more good times to come. How 'bout a hellicopter ride in Hawaii, yo?!
Thank you, Jaymie, for your faithful visits, house-cleaning, laundry, dinners, good chats, thrift store trips, etc. I feel lucky to have you come so far each week and spoiled that we get to spend so much time together lately!
Thank you, Kendra, for your weekly commitment to childcare and dinners, your notes help me stay connected to the girls and they love coming to your house. We expecially enjoy Mila's Shane-imitations! I'm lucky you guys moved back into town just in time!
Thank you, Angie, for putting up with my kids' poop ;) and for making your time with my girls enjoyable and educational - I'm jealous, you should take me on a farm feildtrip next time!
Thank you, Lisa, for being flexible, available, and like a second (or third or forth or ?!) mommy for my kids two days a week. You are a faithful friend.
Thank you, Danielle, for being here this month to fill in all the gaps, be everywhere at once and do everything.. ;o) Really you have been the breath of fresh air we desperately needed around here; your food is delicious and nutritious, your music brings inspiration, joy and comfort, and your willing and helpful spirit brings relief.
Thank you, Eden and Mila, for keeping me smiling thoughout it all. You remind me that joy is in the present. You are strong and courageous, creative and sensitive. I'm sorry, none of this is fair for you. Thank you for being so quick to love and forgive. You will be blessed.
And finally, I am so grateful to Ben, for your constant presense during this time. I have been assured by you throughout all this that I am not alone, even if I feel I am. Ben is a rock, he has been tossed around, heated, and shaken so much by the quakes of this past 4 years and especially by the magnitude of this most recent quake, and yet his cracks only reveal true gold at the core. How could I have chosen a better man to spend my life with? I could not. He is the best there is. Ben, I truly am "the luckiest".
Now I know this entry has been pretty serious, maybe even heavy, but I have to finish by adding that the most influential/healing gifts have come in the form of humor. Be it a hilarious card, a blunt/crude remark about cancer issues or sternal precautions, funny storries about my kids and poop, an annonymous check for a ridiculous amount, a dumb joke, a conversation about pinworms, my girls dancing to God knows what, etc. it is just good to be reminded that life is so funny.. really, truly funny, when you stop to think about it. None of us should even be alive, really, when you consider all the possibility for tagedy and demise. And yet we are here, those of us who are still here that is, because for one silly reason or another we keep on keepin on. Thank you all for your humor and healing gifts.
Healing Gifts I've Received During Recovery:
- visits, phone calls; while in the hospital and since
- cards (oh my gosh, Megan, have you ever seen a funnier/cuter card?! I'm still cracking up)
- flowers (thank you Karen for my weekly supply! I LOVE flowers)
- care for the girls while Ben is at work (thank you Nina, Kendra, Lisa, Angie, Danielle!)
- company/care for me while Ben is at work (thank you Grandma, Nina, Jaymie, Danielle)
- overnight care for the girls once a week (thank you Nina and Matthew!)
- meals delivered - too many to name!
- dinner with company (we love it when you stay to play, Nate and Jodie and Baby Tessa!)
- prayer shawl sennt by my grandfather, given by his friend, the nun
- groceries delivered
- sheets changed (it really is the little things)
- gifts cards to cafes wihin walking distance (motivation to get up and moving!)
- unicorn-get-well-slideshow (thank you Great-Uncle Butch this was a favorite!)
- prayers
- cable/internet service provided (thank you Mom and Dad!)
- breif visits simply to open or close my windows and curtains! (big little things!)
- monetary gifts from friends and family (cash never hurts, 'specially with me out of work and medical bills piling!)
- monetary gifts from people I have never even met!
- house cleaned
- laundry done (thank you Jaymie for putting up with all our crap!)
- rides to dr. appointments
- transportation of the kids to and from caregivers
- living room re-arranged and painted (thank you Alex!! I needed this to lift my spirits)
I know we would not be getting through all this so well if not for these gifts and the love of those who gave them. And yet there are a few people I must single out - those whose support has given me the inspiration to not only keep-on-keepin-on but to live this life to the fullest.
Thank you, Nina, for your constant support in whatever things I have asked and even things I didn't know I needed. Your care-calendar and ever-awareness of our needs has been wonderful! I am so lucky you are my sister and am extremely glad the girls have you to be there for them during this crazy time.
Thank you, Mom and Dad, for being here for my surgery, and since then for your financial help and emotional support - I know you would be here if you could and appreciate all the creative ways you have made your presense and support available. I am blessed.
Thank you, Grandma, for coming to be with me, I truly enjoy your company and our special connection. I'm glad we have had this time together and look forward to many more good times to come. How 'bout a hellicopter ride in Hawaii, yo?!
Thank you, Jaymie, for your faithful visits, house-cleaning, laundry, dinners, good chats, thrift store trips, etc. I feel lucky to have you come so far each week and spoiled that we get to spend so much time together lately!
Thank you, Kendra, for your weekly commitment to childcare and dinners, your notes help me stay connected to the girls and they love coming to your house. We expecially enjoy Mila's Shane-imitations! I'm lucky you guys moved back into town just in time!
Thank you, Angie, for putting up with my kids' poop ;) and for making your time with my girls enjoyable and educational - I'm jealous, you should take me on a farm feildtrip next time!
Thank you, Lisa, for being flexible, available, and like a second (or third or forth or ?!) mommy for my kids two days a week. You are a faithful friend.
Thank you, Danielle, for being here this month to fill in all the gaps, be everywhere at once and do everything.. ;o) Really you have been the breath of fresh air we desperately needed around here; your food is delicious and nutritious, your music brings inspiration, joy and comfort, and your willing and helpful spirit brings relief.
Thank you, Eden and Mila, for keeping me smiling thoughout it all. You remind me that joy is in the present. You are strong and courageous, creative and sensitive. I'm sorry, none of this is fair for you. Thank you for being so quick to love and forgive. You will be blessed.
And finally, I am so grateful to Ben, for your constant presense during this time. I have been assured by you throughout all this that I am not alone, even if I feel I am. Ben is a rock, he has been tossed around, heated, and shaken so much by the quakes of this past 4 years and especially by the magnitude of this most recent quake, and yet his cracks only reveal true gold at the core. How could I have chosen a better man to spend my life with? I could not. He is the best there is. Ben, I truly am "the luckiest".
Now I know this entry has been pretty serious, maybe even heavy, but I have to finish by adding that the most influential/healing gifts have come in the form of humor. Be it a hilarious card, a blunt/crude remark about cancer issues or sternal precautions, funny storries about my kids and poop, an annonymous check for a ridiculous amount, a dumb joke, a conversation about pinworms, my girls dancing to God knows what, etc. it is just good to be reminded that life is so funny.. really, truly funny, when you stop to think about it. None of us should even be alive, really, when you consider all the possibility for tagedy and demise. And yet we are here, those of us who are still here that is, because for one silly reason or another we keep on keepin on. Thank you all for your humor and healing gifts.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Two a.m. epiphany,,,
So, after wrestling the rugrats to bed last night Ben and I were actually asleep before 10:00. I'm assuming this is why I was wide awake at 2 a.m. and officially couldn't sleep anymore at 5:30. I have no problem with waking up early, you know, breakfast with the birds, watch the sunrise, etc. But 2 a.m.? Seriously? Fortunately I did get something out of the deal - an epiphany. Some people get them in the shower or while gardening or driving or dreaming. Mine come knocking at 2 a.m. I'm lucky like that.
Ok, the funny part is I can't tell you exactly what the epiphany was because I'm paranoid about government conspiracy to steal my idea before I get it patented. Actually I'm still trying to sort it out but here's the jist. (jist? Gist? Jest?) I have been wanting to use this time I have while recovering from surgery to write or research or something I don't normally get to do much of when busy chasing rugrats. My real hope is that I could create a habit of writing so that when I am with my girls again fulltime I can have the discipline of routine to continue writing daily. I have always wanted a daily writing routine. The one time in my life I really stuck to it was my junior year in college when I had to keep a journal for a humanities class. I loved it. I think I was a healthier person during that time and even if that is all that comes from my writing habit it will be worth it. But just between you and I, our little secret, I would love to really write and be published someday. But first the habit.
So I got this idea for a project, I'm keeping the project title secret for now (the patent thing, you know) because its the best part. But basically I plan to write up a survey of sorts with interview questions asking people to prove they are alive and prove being worthy of life. I know, I know, it's either clever/insightful or morbid, depending on how you look at it. I'm trying for the former. I'm truly curious to understand what an individual thinks of herself and her relationship to life. At 2 a.m. I had goals of taking the information I receive and analyzing it socialogically, phsychologically, culturally, in light of technological advancements, demographically, and so on .. but that was at 2 a.m. when for some reason I think I can do anything I want to and live to tell about it. For now, the habit.
Maybe I'll test out some questions on ya'll soon. You can leave annonymous comments here so it's perfect testing ground. Oh yeah, I realize I should be using this blog to keep you all informed about my recovery and how the family is doing and all.. so I'll try to do that soon. For me though, right now, it's good to remember there is something to life besides all that... Like 2 a.m. epiphanies!
Ok, the funny part is I can't tell you exactly what the epiphany was because I'm paranoid about government conspiracy to steal my idea before I get it patented. Actually I'm still trying to sort it out but here's the jist. (jist? Gist? Jest?) I have been wanting to use this time I have while recovering from surgery to write or research or something I don't normally get to do much of when busy chasing rugrats. My real hope is that I could create a habit of writing so that when I am with my girls again fulltime I can have the discipline of routine to continue writing daily. I have always wanted a daily writing routine. The one time in my life I really stuck to it was my junior year in college when I had to keep a journal for a humanities class. I loved it. I think I was a healthier person during that time and even if that is all that comes from my writing habit it will be worth it. But just between you and I, our little secret, I would love to really write and be published someday. But first the habit.
So I got this idea for a project, I'm keeping the project title secret for now (the patent thing, you know) because its the best part. But basically I plan to write up a survey of sorts with interview questions asking people to prove they are alive and prove being worthy of life. I know, I know, it's either clever/insightful or morbid, depending on how you look at it. I'm trying for the former. I'm truly curious to understand what an individual thinks of herself and her relationship to life. At 2 a.m. I had goals of taking the information I receive and analyzing it socialogically, phsychologically, culturally, in light of technological advancements, demographically, and so on .. but that was at 2 a.m. when for some reason I think I can do anything I want to and live to tell about it. For now, the habit.
Maybe I'll test out some questions on ya'll soon. You can leave annonymous comments here so it's perfect testing ground. Oh yeah, I realize I should be using this blog to keep you all informed about my recovery and how the family is doing and all.. so I'll try to do that soon. For me though, right now, it's good to remember there is something to life besides all that... Like 2 a.m. epiphanies!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Overcoming inertia...
I've had intentions to start a blog for quite some time now. I have been told more than once it is my duty as a responsible citizen of the information age to keep my friends and family informed on the crazy happenings of my life via an internet presense. Okay, here you go, entry number one. Let's talk about inertia.
I'm the first to admit I'm not the most ambitious person in the world. I won't go so far as to call myself lazy because once I overcome the inertia I am actually quite a mover. It's just that I require that extra push. If it doesn't come, I'm likely to sit right where I am, dreaming of life beyond the current stagnant situation but unable to actually take a step in the direction of that life. I have been this way as far back as I can remember. Change scares the hell out of me. And yet I crave it, live for it, even invite it. Maybe this has something to do with growing up in a house that was perpetually being remodeled, my dad's compulsion being home improvement projects, his weakness being finishing. Add to that my mom's compulsion to rewallpaper and rearrange the furniture each week and you've got one bewildered child. Perhaps I grew comfortable with the fearful feeling I had as I was approaching the back door, having walked home from school, hesitating before turning the handle, wondering if I would find the living room and dining area had once again been switched and my bedroom was now where the bathroom had been. Sometimes I would succumb to curiosity, other times I would hesitate a second too long and be paralyzed by fear to the point of sleeping outside so I wouldn't have to face the unknown.
Ok, I'm practicing my exageration skills here, what do you think?
Anyway, the point is that my fear of change has often left me feeling complacent and even lazy. And so I take control of my life by initiating change. And over the years I have come to think of myself of a "type A" rather than the "type B" I presented myself as when I was a child. I am an overacheiver at heart, it is only this issue of inertia which stunts my success.
Unfortunately the man I married has the same issue. While everything else in our relationship is perfect (remember I'm practicing here) there is this issue of overcoming inertia which inspired a recent statement from me during a fit of frustration about items being repeatesly and perpetually on our "to-do" list. Ben was apparently quite amused with my comment. I believe I said this, "There is something fundamentally wrong at the core of our being together - we've got to do something about it one way or another." Now, if you know Ben and I you know we've successfully come through way too much together to even consider going at life separately.. I was able to make the statement I did confidently because I believe wholeheartedly that there is so much "at the core of our being together" which is fundamentally right and good. And so our recent committment is to overcome the inertia.
This week's successes:
- wrote thank you cards (did not send yet, however)
- made Dr. appointments
- called greif counselor
- took a shower (hey its the little things)
- painted living room (well, Alex and Ben did the work, I just directed)
- rearranged living room " (assuring my children are at least as messed up as I am)
- ordered perscription refill before running out of pain meds
- started blog!
Thankyou, Megan, for the extra little push to start this blog. In the future I promise to be less wordy, more interesting and truly informative, more amusing, more prompt.. yeah yeah yeah we'll believe it when we see it.
I'm the first to admit I'm not the most ambitious person in the world. I won't go so far as to call myself lazy because once I overcome the inertia I am actually quite a mover. It's just that I require that extra push. If it doesn't come, I'm likely to sit right where I am, dreaming of life beyond the current stagnant situation but unable to actually take a step in the direction of that life. I have been this way as far back as I can remember. Change scares the hell out of me. And yet I crave it, live for it, even invite it. Maybe this has something to do with growing up in a house that was perpetually being remodeled, my dad's compulsion being home improvement projects, his weakness being finishing. Add to that my mom's compulsion to rewallpaper and rearrange the furniture each week and you've got one bewildered child. Perhaps I grew comfortable with the fearful feeling I had as I was approaching the back door, having walked home from school, hesitating before turning the handle, wondering if I would find the living room and dining area had once again been switched and my bedroom was now where the bathroom had been. Sometimes I would succumb to curiosity, other times I would hesitate a second too long and be paralyzed by fear to the point of sleeping outside so I wouldn't have to face the unknown.
Ok, I'm practicing my exageration skills here, what do you think?
Anyway, the point is that my fear of change has often left me feeling complacent and even lazy. And so I take control of my life by initiating change. And over the years I have come to think of myself of a "type A" rather than the "type B" I presented myself as when I was a child. I am an overacheiver at heart, it is only this issue of inertia which stunts my success.
Unfortunately the man I married has the same issue. While everything else in our relationship is perfect (remember I'm practicing here) there is this issue of overcoming inertia which inspired a recent statement from me during a fit of frustration about items being repeatesly and perpetually on our "to-do" list. Ben was apparently quite amused with my comment. I believe I said this, "There is something fundamentally wrong at the core of our being together - we've got to do something about it one way or another." Now, if you know Ben and I you know we've successfully come through way too much together to even consider going at life separately.. I was able to make the statement I did confidently because I believe wholeheartedly that there is so much "at the core of our being together" which is fundamentally right and good. And so our recent committment is to overcome the inertia.
This week's successes:
- wrote thank you cards (did not send yet, however)
- made Dr. appointments
- called greif counselor
- took a shower (hey its the little things)
- painted living room (well, Alex and Ben did the work, I just directed)
- rearranged living room " (assuring my children are at least as messed up as I am)
- ordered perscription refill before running out of pain meds
- started blog!
Thankyou, Megan, for the extra little push to start this blog. In the future I promise to be less wordy, more interesting and truly informative, more amusing, more prompt.. yeah yeah yeah we'll believe it when we see it.
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