Coming Off the High, looking through portals..

(beginning 10/21/09) I don't feel much like writing but in honor of authenticity I think it's only fair I write at least something today, when I feel like shit.

Yesterday I got so frustrated with being dependent on pain-maskers I decided to quit for a day or so to get a baseline for pain again. I was tired of feeling drugged and adicted w no energy. so it's now been 21 hours since I last took anything. Danielle took the girls out to OMSI all day so i could rest. Ironically since stopping meds which "may cause drowsiness" I've been able to sleep more easily. In fact I've slept most of today! I get up for a snack then sit down thinking "I hurt, I just want to sit for a minute then I'll get up and do something" and the next thing I know I wake up an hour later! I've been dreaming all day too, which I really haven't done in a while. I heard that has some connection to R.E.M. sleep and that the presense of dreams can indicate a complete sleep cycle. Well anyway I know that the body does its best healing during sleep so I guess its a good thing I've been falling asleep all day. I've also been crying and, I guess, greiving. My greif counselor would say that's a good thing.. I'm sure it is but it feels terrible! I hurt physically and emotionally. I'm scared to even begin to think about anything beyond today, the future seems so bleak and uncertain. I read "Anne of Green Gables" because I never had (I'd only watched the movie) and another blogger just read it because she never had and she loved it so I thought, whynot? It made me cry, it made me remember life before "growing up". So many religions and traditions celebrate the innocence and wonder of childhood and yet we spend so much of ourselves trying to grow past it and to help others do the same.. why? Is it because we are jaded and misery loves company or do we actually think growing up is what life is all about? Either way it is sad. I truly believe children, whether "good" or "naughty" are closer to heaven - until we pull them down and make them "grow up".

What in your life is pulling you down? Cancer, doctors who don't seem to take my life more seriously than lunch menu options, being unable to hold and care for my little girls, extended family drama, bills that keep piling even though we live extremely frugal and below the poverty level, pain, these things are trying to keep me from being close to heaven.

But I can't possibly end on that note. There are too many portals to heaven through which one might look if only she'll let herself look through her childlike eyes.

So today I felt like shit and yet the sun is shining through the clouds, the trees are dripping colors onto the sidewalk below, a long lost friendship was recently renewed, another friend brought me pumpkin bread (Mmm!), Eden is dressed as a superhero and Mila says "watch my arabesque" with two hands and one foot on the ground, the other foot in the air. The world still holds beauty, comedy, all is not bleak. (finishing 10/22/09)

"She knew that a narrow but happy path lay before her, with hard work, friendship, and dreams. And there was always the bend in the road. 'God's in His heaven, all's right with the world' Anne whispered softly." (p. 174 Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery)

I hope to feel this way again someday. Until then, I'll keep looking through portals.

Healing Gifts...

Ok, this is a longy but a goody. "Thanks" are well overdue. These past two months have been, by far, the most challenging of my life as I have been stretched emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually far beyond myself. And yet somehow I have sailed, even coasted at times, through the challenges with relative peace. In part this is due to heavy doses of pain-killers, true, hehe. But I can not deny the influence and power of healing gifts, which were bestowed on me in various and countless ways.

Healing Gifts I've Received During Recovery:

- visits, phone calls; while in the hospital and since
- cards (oh my gosh, Megan, have you ever seen a funnier/cuter card?! I'm still cracking up)
- flowers (thank you Karen for my weekly supply! I LOVE flowers)
- care for the girls while Ben is at work (thank you Nina, Kendra, Lisa, Angie, Danielle!)
- company/care for me while Ben is at work (thank you Grandma, Nina, Jaymie, Danielle)
- overnight care for the girls once a week (thank you Nina and Matthew!)
- meals delivered - too many to name!
- dinner with company (we love it when you stay to play, Nate and Jodie and Baby Tessa!)
- prayer shawl sennt by my grandfather, given by his friend, the nun
- groceries delivered
- sheets changed (it really is the little things)
- gifts cards to cafes wihin walking distance (motivation to get up and moving!)
- unicorn-get-well-slideshow (thank you Great-Uncle Butch this was a favorite!)
- prayers
- cable/internet service provided (thank you Mom and Dad!)
- breif visits simply to open or close my windows and curtains! (big little things!)
- monetary gifts from friends and family (cash never hurts, 'specially with me out of work and medical bills piling!)
- monetary gifts from people I have never even met!
- house cleaned
- laundry done (thank you Jaymie for putting up with all our crap!)
- rides to dr. appointments
- transportation of the kids to and from caregivers
- living room re-arranged and painted (thank you Alex!! I needed this to lift my spirits)

I know we would not be getting through all this so well if not for these gifts and the love of those who gave them. And yet there are a few people I must single out - those whose support has given me the inspiration to not only keep-on-keepin-on but to live this life to the fullest.

Thank you, Nina, for your constant support in whatever things I have asked and even things I didn't know I needed. Your care-calendar and ever-awareness of our needs has been wonderful! I am so lucky you are my sister and am extremely glad the girls have you to be there for them during this crazy time.

Thank you, Mom and Dad, for being here for my surgery, and since then for your financial help and emotional support - I know you would be here if you could and appreciate all the creative ways you have made your presense and support available. I am blessed.

Thank you, Grandma, for coming to be with me, I truly enjoy your company and our special connection. I'm glad we have had this time together and look forward to many more good times to come. How 'bout a hellicopter ride in Hawaii, yo?!

Thank you, Jaymie, for your faithful visits, house-cleaning, laundry, dinners, good chats, thrift store trips, etc. I feel lucky to have you come so far each week and spoiled that we get to spend so much time together lately!

Thank you, Kendra, for your weekly commitment to childcare and dinners, your notes help me stay connected to the girls and they love coming to your house. We expecially enjoy Mila's Shane-imitations! I'm lucky you guys moved back into town just in time!

Thank you, Angie, for putting up with my kids' poop ;) and for making your time with my girls enjoyable and educational - I'm jealous, you should take me on a farm feildtrip next time!

Thank you, Lisa, for being flexible, available, and like a second (or third or forth or ?!) mommy for my kids two days a week. You are a faithful friend.

Thank you, Danielle, for being here this month to fill in all the gaps, be everywhere at once and do everything.. ;o) Really you have been the breath of fresh air we desperately needed around here; your food is delicious and nutritious, your music brings inspiration, joy and comfort, and your willing and helpful spirit brings relief.

Thank you, Eden and Mila, for keeping me smiling thoughout it all. You remind me that joy is in the present. You are strong and courageous, creative and sensitive. I'm sorry, none of this is fair for you. Thank you for being so quick to love and forgive. You will be blessed.

And finally, I am so grateful to Ben, for your constant presense during this time. I have been assured by you throughout all this that I am not alone, even if I feel I am. Ben is a rock, he has been tossed around, heated, and shaken so much by the quakes of this past 4 years and especially by the magnitude of this most recent quake, and yet his cracks only reveal true gold at the core. How could I have chosen a better man to spend my life with? I could not. He is the best there is. Ben, I truly am "the luckiest".

Now I know this entry has been pretty serious, maybe even heavy, but I have to finish by adding that the most influential/healing gifts have come in the form of humor. Be it a hilarious card, a blunt/crude remark about cancer issues or sternal precautions, funny storries about my kids and poop, an annonymous check for a ridiculous amount, a dumb joke, a conversation about pinworms, my girls dancing to God knows what, etc. it is just good to be reminded that life is so funny.. really, truly funny, when you stop to think about it. None of us should even be alive, really, when you consider all the possibility for tagedy and demise. And yet we are here, those of us who are still here that is, because for one silly reason or another we keep on keepin on. Thank you all for your humor and healing gifts.

Two a.m. epiphany,,,

So, after wrestling the rugrats to bed last night Ben and I were actually asleep before 10:00. I'm assuming this is why I was wide awake at 2 a.m. and officially couldn't sleep anymore at 5:30. I have no problem with waking up early, you know, breakfast with the birds, watch the sunrise, etc. But 2 a.m.? Seriously? Fortunately I did get something out of the deal - an epiphany. Some people get them in the shower or while gardening or driving or dreaming. Mine come knocking at 2 a.m. I'm lucky like that.

Ok, the funny part is I can't tell you exactly what the epiphany was because I'm paranoid about government conspiracy to steal my idea before I get it patented. Actually I'm still trying to sort it out but here's the jist. (jist? Gist? Jest?) I have been wanting to use this time I have while recovering from surgery to write or research or something I don't normally get to do much of when busy chasing rugrats. My real hope is that I could create a habit of writing so that when I am with my girls again fulltime I can have the discipline of routine to continue writing daily. I have always wanted a daily writing routine. The one time in my life I really stuck to it was my junior year in college when I had to keep a journal for a humanities class. I loved it. I think I was a healthier person during that time and even if that is all that comes from my writing habit it will be worth it. But just between you and I, our little secret, I would love to really write and be published someday. But first the habit.
So I got this idea for a project, I'm keeping the project title secret for now (the patent thing, you know) because its the best part. But basically I plan to write up a survey of sorts with interview questions asking people to prove they are alive and prove being worthy of life. I know, I know, it's either clever/insightful or morbid, depending on how you look at it. I'm trying for the former. I'm truly curious to understand what an individual thinks of herself and her relationship to life. At 2 a.m. I had goals of taking the information I receive and analyzing it socialogically, phsychologically, culturally, in light of technological advancements, demographically, and so on .. but that was at 2 a.m. when for some reason I think I can do anything I want to and live to tell about it. For now, the habit.
Maybe I'll test out some questions on ya'll soon. You can leave annonymous comments here so it's perfect testing ground. Oh yeah, I realize I should be using this blog to keep you all informed about my recovery and how the family is doing and all.. so I'll try to do that soon. For me though, right now, it's good to remember there is something to life besides all that... Like 2 a.m. epiphanies!

Overcoming inertia...

I've had intentions to start a blog for quite some time now. I have been told more than once it is my duty as a responsible citizen of the information age to keep my friends and family informed on the crazy happenings of my life via an internet presense. Okay, here you go, entry number one. Let's talk about inertia.



I'm the first to admit I'm not the most ambitious person in the world. I won't go so far as to call myself lazy because once I overcome the inertia I am actually quite a mover. It's just that I require that extra push. If it doesn't come, I'm likely to sit right where I am, dreaming of life beyond the current stagnant situation but unable to actually take a step in the direction of that life. I have been this way as far back as I can remember. Change scares the hell out of me. And yet I crave it, live for it, even invite it. Maybe this has something to do with growing up in a house that was perpetually being remodeled, my dad's compulsion being home improvement projects, his weakness being finishing. Add to that my mom's compulsion to rewallpaper and rearrange the furniture each week and you've got one bewildered child. Perhaps I grew comfortable with the fearful feeling I had as I was approaching the back door, having walked home from school, hesitating before turning the handle, wondering if I would find the living room and dining area had once again been switched and my bedroom was now where the bathroom had been. Sometimes I would succumb to curiosity, other times I would hesitate a second too long and be paralyzed by fear to the point of sleeping outside so I wouldn't have to face the unknown.

Ok, I'm practicing my exageration skills here, what do you think?

Anyway, the point is that my fear of change has often left me feeling complacent and even lazy. And so I take control of my life by initiating change. And over the years I have come to think of myself of a "type A" rather than the "type B" I presented myself as when I was a child. I am an overacheiver at heart, it is only this issue of inertia which stunts my success.
Unfortunately the man I married has the same issue. While everything else in our relationship is perfect (remember I'm practicing here) there is this issue of overcoming inertia which inspired a recent statement from me during a fit of frustration about items being repeatesly and perpetually on our "to-do" list. Ben was apparently quite amused with my comment. I believe I said this, "There is something fundamentally wrong at the core of our being together - we've got to do something about it one way or another." Now, if you know Ben and I you know we've successfully come through way too much together to even consider going at life separately.. I was able to make the statement I did confidently because I believe wholeheartedly that there is so much "at the core of our being together" which is fundamentally right and good. And so our recent committment is to overcome the inertia.



This week's successes:



- wrote thank you cards (did not send yet, however)

- made Dr. appointments

- called greif counselor

- took a shower (hey its the little things)

- painted living room (well, Alex and Ben did the work, I just directed)

- rearranged living room " (assuring my children are at least as messed up as I am)

- ordered perscription refill before running out of pain meds

- started blog!



Thankyou, Megan, for the extra little push to start this blog. In the future I promise to be less wordy, more interesting and truly informative, more amusing, more prompt.. yeah yeah yeah we'll believe it when we see it.